My Start to 2018
I think I expected to start 2018 with a surge of energy blasting through me and a new sense of power and strength. Well, I did not jump out of bed shouting “hooray” today. Instead, I woke up with an odd feeling of emptiness. I think the last couple of months have just rocked me. With my family dealing with a crisis, I needed to isolate and focus on the needs and care of them. It has been a roller coaster ride filled with unexpected twists and turns. My life has looked like this the past couple of months:
- My daughter was referred to an eating disorder partial hospitalization program
- We go to get a physical workup and is told she needs to be hospitalized for Avoidant and Restrictive Food Intake Disorder IMMEDIATELY.
- Ella is admitted to the hospital presenting with ARFID
- She is in the hospital for 7 days not able to keep food down and still losing weight.
- The Doctors believe there is something additionally going on because she is showing no signs of improvement and she is presenting with hypertension
- Tests, tests, and more tests as she is vomiting every day.
- Finally, after 19 days of being physically sick, a blood pressure medication begins to work and takes her nausea away and she stops vomiting.
- Ella begins to eat and starts to make improvements.
- She is released from the hospital.
- Back to where we originally started, Ella starts an outpatient eating disorder program, diagnosed with ARFID.
I think having a child sick in the hospital put me on a different plane of how I was functioning. All priorities shifted and not only for me but for everyone in the family. We all had work and school but for me, there was no typical schedule, no routine that I could adjust to. I wake up early to go for a run before going to the hospital but as soon as I began, I would get a call to come ASAP. I go to make dinner but find I have no desire to deal with food and preparing it, so it’s breakfast for dinner again. I sat with clenched fists (not even aware) because the doctors are unable to identify what was going on with her and they are throwing words around like brain tumor and kidney disease.
I can share with you is that I was scared (and still am sometimes)
that I felt like a bad mom
that her illness is my fault
that I lost all drive for self-care for a few weeks
And that it is okay for me to be human.
So I guess when I hear myself saying these things, I have warmth for my emptiness, and empathy for recovery time that we all need.
The truth is, I have moments of uncertainty like you and times when I am in pain and days where I feel alone.
What pulls me through the tough moments is the faith I have in the Universe and how I can connect with that voice of truth to reassure me. It is the voice of wisdom which guides me to understand that feeling pain is not weak, being uncertain does not mean I am failing, and the voice, most importantly, reminds me that I am never alone even in the darkest moments.
This ride has made me more courageous and has taken me to a new level of compassion. We have grown closer as a family and are adjusting to the challenges that come with any disease. Life will keep doing its thing and throw us opportunities to grow and it’s how we rise to the occasion that truly matters. So I rise accepting my strengths and my shortcomings knowing that I learn and grow through each and every one of my experiences.
Supporting you fully,
Maggie
