The Mask of The People Pleaser
I hope you have been enjoying my blog series on The Masks We Wear and that you have been able to reflect on some of the disguises you wear or have worn in your life. If you haven’t read any of the blogs in this series, don’t miss out! Start here first, then second, and then third. For this blog, I want to focus on The Mask of The People Pleaser. I believe the People Pleaser is one of the most common masks and very easy to relate to. It was a mask I wore during a period in my life when I was questioning my talents and value with my job.
Some years ago, I was the Coordinator of the Strength and Conditioning Department at a local gym. I taught classes, had personal training clients, and trained others to become trainers. I felt pretty good about the work I was doing but I always felt like I had to stay on top or else my work would not be valued. Because of this, I decided that in order for me to feel worthy in my job, I couldn’t say no to anyone. So I quietly abused my body while I taught others to be healthy in their relationship with food and exercise. There was an unconscious belief of feeling unimportant and the feedback I got from others made me feel validated as a person so I craved more. Because I had this hidden agenda of needing to stay on top so I could feel self-worth, I continued to add a ridiculous amount of training to my schedule. Members would seek out my services and I would just take on new clients not really thinking about my own personal health. At my peak, I was working out at least four hours a day, sometimes up to 6. I would train up to 20 clients a week and was also training a group for a marathon, which I was racing. Because I couldn’t see my worth and myself as strong or beautiful, I needed others to confirm that I had those qualities. I needed the praise from others to feel whole within myself and with the work that I was doing.
Although The People Pleaser actions are purely self-serving, they typically have true and good intentions towards others. People Pleaser’s wounds usually stem from a childhood filled with shame that they are not important. They feel as if they have no worth in the world and are just taking up space. The People Pleaser thrives on the praise and approval of others to feel their own sense of self-worth. They will do and do and over-do to ensure that they matter to the world.
My People Pleaser mask gave me a false sense of strength and drove me to do more and more. The praise and approval from my clients were what gave me my value when it came to my job. So I continued to push myself and to give myself away in order to fill myself up.
Often I would hear a voice inside of me asking “Why are you doing this?? Do you really think you can keep this up?” I literally was killing my body all because I so desperately wanted the praise of others. Then inevitably, I came crashing down which ended up being a blessing in disguise. It gave me the opportunity to break through my unconscious need for validation and to figure out how to own my worth. I needed to stop saying yes to everyone else and to start to say yes to myself. I needed to take off the mask of The People Pleaser, heal my wounds and let go of my belief of unimportant.
Whether you wear this mask occasionally or most of the time, the challenge that needs to be addressed is that People Pleasers have to learn to validate themselves and stop sucking the approval from others. They have to admit to themselves that their purpose in continuing to do more and more is to receive the admiration of others. People Pleasers need to heal their shame and begin to value all of who they are.
Take a minute and look at how you have worn this mask. How do you show up as The People Pleaser? Do you stay quiet to appease others? Do you give your resources away when you are feeling depleted? Is it hard to say no to others even when you know it’s in your highest to do so? Have you put yourself in a situation that you have felt discomfort because you needed to feel included or special?
When you begin to recognize how you hide behind masks, you become liberated from beliefs that don’t serve and you are given an opportunity to live life to its fullest. Isn’t that what we are meant to do? I say heck yea!!!
Supporting you fully,
Maggie
PS If you can relate to this mask or any of the others I have shared, I would love to hear from you!
PPS Next is The Mask of “I’m Right”